Nicola Wills - Counselling & Psychotherapy
Relationship Counselling to support you both
Relationships take work and we have different needs from our relationships at different stages of our life. They can challenge us all at times, but working through these moments can be rewarding for both individuals - an opportunity to develop new ways of connecting, finding validation and feeling like you belong. Relationships can cause damage and leave lasting impressions on how we feel about ourselves, our identity and our worth, but they can also create the most healing if conflict and connection is managed well by everyone.
Couples Counselling is unlike individual therapy, in that the “client” is the relationship itself - something bigger than each person within in and as individual as you both. The process is at its most rewarding when both people can find a way to step outside of the relationship, evaluate it together and explore what they would like to change. In this space, the issues are instead shared by both people within the partnership. This is our first step, where we work collaboratively on finding new and safe ways to connect and be more open, honest and intimate about how we experience the relationship we have built.
It’s important to me that both individuals and their unique wants, needs, expectations and desires feel understood in the process of therapy.
What will sessions look like?
The support I offer is an integrative approach, blended based on what each relationship/individual need. Emotionally-Focused Therapy is at the core of my approach, and as required I blend Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Transactional Analysis, Internal Family Systems and Psychodynamic approaches. Psychosexual exploration and tools can be utilised as required.
Usually, our first 3 sessions are focused on getting to know you both, exploration of past and current relationships and agreeing on goals together. You will both usually be present in these sessions together. The aim is to understand more about how relationships, conflict and collaboration have been modelled or experienced in the past and how that translates to the present, and to help you move towards communicating some of the unsaid elements to each other, building intimacy and safety together.
What Else Can Couples Counselling Help With?
Communication.
Communication is integral in relationships. In most relationships there are ‘unwritten contracts/ways of working’, based on expectations, needs and models from previous relationships and they are not discussed. These can be more practical aspects of a relationship, for example:
Money
Moving home
Starting a family
Parenting styles
Navigating the presence or friends or extended family members in the relationship
Or more deeper more emotional needs, for example:
Exploring individual and shared relationship history, including how past family dynamics may impact your current partnership
Addressing trust issues or emotional disconnection
Developing strategies to navigate conflict, manage triggers and strengthen emotional bonds
Healing attachment or trauma wounds
Leaning new tools to connect and feel heard, understood, respected and valued.
Reframing conflict and emotions.
I have seen and heard many examples of the ideal relationship having no conflict and always being on the same page, but research consistently debunks this. Couples that thrive over a lifetime have the ability to argue well: regulate, hold compassion for one another, maintain respect and come back together afterwards.
For me, conflict isn’t seen as inherently negative, it’s more about how we work within conflict and the culture we create around it. It’s never too late to learn to regulate while in conflict and catch and reframe contempt, criticism and defensiveness. We can learn in couples counselling how to “fight right” and manage the inevitable conflict in our relationships, seeing it instead as an opportunity for growth, connection and expression. Remember, we fight for things that we care about and what matters to us the most!
Intimacy and self-worth.
Sexual and intimacy issues can also be explored, offering a unique insight into how we feel about ourselves, how we express ourselves sexually and our thoughts and feelings around our bodies and our roles in an intimate encounter. Quite often this is less about the sexual dynamics between two people and more about identity, power, pleasure, vulnerability, shame and safety in the relationship. Wherever these messages have come from (media, society or family culture are usually key culprits) they form a large part of our experience in the world. Everyone can benefit from, and deserves, the space to examine these feelings and messages to decide what they want to keep in their story and what they would like to let go of, and couples counselling is the perfect opportunity to do this together.
Other relationships.
Relationships aren’t just limited to intimate partner relationships - exploration around past cultures, patterns and blueprints and understanding what you need to feel safe and secure in this relationship can impact the connection you have with any other person - At work with clients or colleagues, in families or friendships for example.
Get In Touch
I offer every new client a free consultation call to explore your needs to ensure i am the right practitioner for you. There is no obligation to book regular therapy sessions after that call.
Not sure if counselling is right for you? Take a look at the types of issues I have worked with and how I can help.
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"We are wounded in relationships, and we heal through relationships.”
- Dr. Gabor Maté